A Time of Firsts and Lasts

An amazing young mother of three spent here first weekend in Heaven... and as excited I am for her I hurt for her husband, her kids, her family and for her best friend. I met Amanda and Ruth 4 years ago when Willie and I and our 4 and 2 year old kiddos headed down to the southern states to volunteer for a few months with MDS. I remember coming into the building where we did our new week orientation thinking - oh yay there's someone my age (and in the same stage of life) here this week... Amanda was 5 months pregnant and Ruth was in her first trimester with a little girl at home. To say the least they were both glowing!! We had a great time - it felt like we had always known each other. So in 2010 we make the trek out to Pennsylvania to spend some time with them and to meet those little ones that had been born. And memories were made. Ruth was such a vibrant and fun personality! So much fun to be with! And her kids obviously loved their momma! And for some reason God was okay with taking her to be with him and leaving her little ones behind - and I don't get it. I don't understand any of it!!! And I'm removed from the situation so I don't get the covering that God puts over people that are walking through it. But for Mark, her husband this is his reality. He has three kids to raise on his own - with help from friends and family but at the end of the day he is the one that is praying with his kids and tucking them in... and walks to an empty bed - alone. Trying to keep her memory alive for them, but knowing that in time she will only be a memory. God how can you be glorified in this? Amanda will no longer call her friend to talk about nothing and everything on a daily basis... she'll be doing her best to take care of her 9 month old baby that will never remember her mother... I don't get it. This sounds angry and negative and well to be honest that is what it is. And that reminds me of the saying that is my life "It is what it is". And yes I know God is faithful and that it's all about Him and not about our life and our comforts... but I am a mother! I know how much I want to be the one to watch my kids grow up and to just hold them and love them and struggle through things and to see their sweet rewards... and I know how much they need their mom! Why would it be all in His perfect plan to take a healthy, young mom from her kids for them to grow up without her?? Please pray for Mark as he learns to survive without his best friend and wife, for Esther who is 5, Isaac who is 3 and Rubie who is 9 months... and for my friend Amanda who is wondering how this is all going to work out with out her sweet friend Ruth!

The Prettiest Gem ~ a Sapphire

Six years ago a beautiful young lady, whom we cherish dearly, gave birth to a perfect and tiny 2lb 9oz little Sapphire! Even though she made her entrance to the world slightly early she was a fighter (a trait that she has kept), she was never unwanted, unloved or unexpected! Her mother gave her heart to this little girl and through the years I see her mother's heart in her and see the love she has for her birthmom. I have no idea the pain that she went through or the joy she felt as she finally got to hold her miracle and take her home. How many hours she held her, watching her sleep, breath peacefully, study every feature of her beautiful face. How many hours did she pray that God would give her another miracle and allow her to raise her on her own... ...that miracle didn't come for her. On October 9th I do a lot of crying!! I hurt for her and am frustrated at life. Why we have so much and take everything for granted. How we couldn't even imagine how many people don't have a CHOICE to make - the choices are made for them and they have to live through that. Why do we live so comfortably when most of the world struggles with real 'stuff'. But even though we don't understand why God wouldn't have given her that - we pray she has been given peace, comfort and love. Our family accepted our undeserving gift and have had almost six years of laughter, tears and astonishing moments with our daughter - whom God saw us fit enough to raise to know and follow Him. What a journey it will be!!! Olivia Sapphire - you are loved by so many!!!! Let the party begin!!

Learning....

"Enjoy where you're at on the way to where you're going" Joyce Meyer That was God's word to me today. Thank you Jesus for dying,shedding your blood so that I have life - and should I not be enjoying that every moment...oh to have an eternal perspective. Workin' on it! On another note, this was proof that my oldest is listening but needs a lot of time to process. A few months ago his teacher was reading the passover story.... yesterday he randomly says to me "Mommy if we lived in Bible times and you would forget to put blood on our door then the angel of death would come take me" I guess he was thinking about being the firstborn and the importance of it or his mother's forgetfulness is starting to scare him :) Love him dearly.

Perspective

I've always been one to feel sorry for myself (quietly of course~until now I wouldn't have admitted it but you know this terrible 'honesty' thing I have going on) and today I was doing just that. As a child my dad would often say "Should I bake you a cake?" and I knew what that meant. He was suggesting that I was having a pity party and well every good party needs a cake!! I have been feeling like we're stuck - not sure if we should walk forward, sideways or backward or if we're missing God's leading, His speaking, His direction. My sister said it well when she used the words "Holding Pattern". I would love to know what He has for us but in waiting I need to worship, live and cherish. I'm not doing any of those things. I'm getting frustrated, annoyed and frazzled instead (just looking at that makes me shake my head - why would I choose the last 3 instead of the first 3)... And so in seeking some perspective before I head to bed I read a blog that I love...http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.ca. Enough said. Tonight I will go to bed with thankfulness in my heart and a quiet spirit to hear God speak and tomorrow I will wake with gratitude and worship.

Encouragement

I always knew that encouragement was a good thing... but I think I just said that because I knew it was true but hadn't really felt the strength of it. It started when I ran to drop off my son at gymnastics... some crazy gal accused me of being 'Positive' - in my negative head I was saying "Oh she obviously doesn't know me!" Then I had a wonderful message sent to me in regards to something I've struggled with the last few weeks telling me that she was growing in her faith thanks to my commitment, and so it went... wow. I didn't really know what to do with it. So I dropped it in God's lap and said "Thank You". And riding on that I changed my outlook on my week! It also made me very aware of how I need to constantly be encouraging those around me - and I needed to start at HOME! My kids are getting sarcasm at every turn and "Don't" "No" "Not Again" "Stop"...etc... I need to change that and encourage them in what they are doing well and encourage them to do better in an encouraging way not a nagging way! What a novel idea Jacquie!!! I know I'm so the mother of the year! (oops - sarcasm again) I love my kids so much and love their little personalities and love being with them... I want them to actually know that and feel it! Here's to starting Monday morning with a smile instead of "Okay let's go guys get your stuff... come on let's go.... move a little faster!!!" I'll check in again tomorrow :) Here's my encouragement for you this week... those tender moments that God gives you ... for however brief they may be - CHERISH them! They may only come once. And then run to a journal and write it down so that you won't ever forget!!! My dear sweet Samuel boy has been giving me a few of those lately and I love them and am trying to lock it into my brain!

And I get to spend time with my Gramma and she always delivers on the special memories... here's one of her with my sweet baby!

Ash Wednesday

"Lent offers us all a very special opportunity to grow in our relationship with God and to deepen our commitment to a way of life, rooted in our baptism. In our busy world, Lent provides us with an opportunity to reflect upon our patterns, to pray more deeply, experience sorrow for what we've done and failed to do, and to be generous to those in need." Love this because it was a great starting point for me this morning. Thankful for a Father who is so full of grace and mercy and also continues to pursue me. I am the type of person that loves structure and this whole Lent season is that for me. It develops a habit that helps me to see what is important - a cleanse for the spirit. Love it! I was so encouraged by my Father who showed me His love this morning! Allowing time for God to have my attention - complete attention for 40 days will encourage me to be more mindful of it all year... I don't even care if it becomes 'legalistic' -at least I'm doing it - I know myself enough to know that I can justify slacking very quickly... gotta be careful so that is why I want to be rigid about it because first of all God desires and deserves all of me and if I want to or not I'm giving it all - as much as I know how... So let me encourage you in your Lent season - feel, see, touch, experience God in all forms, Father, Son and Spirit! He wants all of you and in turn you get HIM in and through your life... pretty good trade I would say!