A Time of Firsts and Lasts

An amazing young mother of three spent here first weekend in Heaven... and as excited I am for her I hurt for her husband, her kids, her family and for her best friend. I met Amanda and Ruth 4 years ago when Willie and I and our 4 and 2 year old kiddos headed down to the southern states to volunteer for a few months with MDS. I remember coming into the building where we did our new week orientation thinking - oh yay there's someone my age (and in the same stage of life) here this week... Amanda was 5 months pregnant and Ruth was in her first trimester with a little girl at home. To say the least they were both glowing!! We had a great time - it felt like we had always known each other. So in 2010 we make the trek out to Pennsylvania to spend some time with them and to meet those little ones that had been born. And memories were made. Ruth was such a vibrant and fun personality! So much fun to be with! And her kids obviously loved their momma! And for some reason God was okay with taking her to be with him and leaving her little ones behind - and I don't get it. I don't understand any of it!!! And I'm removed from the situation so I don't get the covering that God puts over people that are walking through it. But for Mark, her husband this is his reality. He has three kids to raise on his own - with help from friends and family but at the end of the day he is the one that is praying with his kids and tucking them in... and walks to an empty bed - alone. Trying to keep her memory alive for them, but knowing that in time she will only be a memory. God how can you be glorified in this? Amanda will no longer call her friend to talk about nothing and everything on a daily basis... she'll be doing her best to take care of her 9 month old baby that will never remember her mother... I don't get it. This sounds angry and negative and well to be honest that is what it is. And that reminds me of the saying that is my life "It is what it is". And yes I know God is faithful and that it's all about Him and not about our life and our comforts... but I am a mother! I know how much I want to be the one to watch my kids grow up and to just hold them and love them and struggle through things and to see their sweet rewards... and I know how much they need their mom! Why would it be all in His perfect plan to take a healthy, young mom from her kids for them to grow up without her?? Please pray for Mark as he learns to survive without his best friend and wife, for Esther who is 5, Isaac who is 3 and Rubie who is 9 months... and for my friend Amanda who is wondering how this is all going to work out with out her sweet friend Ruth!

The Prettiest Gem ~ a Sapphire

Six years ago a beautiful young lady, whom we cherish dearly, gave birth to a perfect and tiny 2lb 9oz little Sapphire! Even though she made her entrance to the world slightly early she was a fighter (a trait that she has kept), she was never unwanted, unloved or unexpected! Her mother gave her heart to this little girl and through the years I see her mother's heart in her and see the love she has for her birthmom. I have no idea the pain that she went through or the joy she felt as she finally got to hold her miracle and take her home. How many hours she held her, watching her sleep, breath peacefully, study every feature of her beautiful face. How many hours did she pray that God would give her another miracle and allow her to raise her on her own... ...that miracle didn't come for her. On October 9th I do a lot of crying!! I hurt for her and am frustrated at life. Why we have so much and take everything for granted. How we couldn't even imagine how many people don't have a CHOICE to make - the choices are made for them and they have to live through that. Why do we live so comfortably when most of the world struggles with real 'stuff'. But even though we don't understand why God wouldn't have given her that - we pray she has been given peace, comfort and love. Our family accepted our undeserving gift and have had almost six years of laughter, tears and astonishing moments with our daughter - whom God saw us fit enough to raise to know and follow Him. What a journey it will be!!! Olivia Sapphire - you are loved by so many!!!! Let the party begin!!

Learning....

"Enjoy where you're at on the way to where you're going" Joyce Meyer That was God's word to me today. Thank you Jesus for dying,shedding your blood so that I have life - and should I not be enjoying that every moment...oh to have an eternal perspective. Workin' on it! On another note, this was proof that my oldest is listening but needs a lot of time to process. A few months ago his teacher was reading the passover story.... yesterday he randomly says to me "Mommy if we lived in Bible times and you would forget to put blood on our door then the angel of death would come take me" I guess he was thinking about being the firstborn and the importance of it or his mother's forgetfulness is starting to scare him :) Love him dearly.

Perspective

I've always been one to feel sorry for myself (quietly of course~until now I wouldn't have admitted it but you know this terrible 'honesty' thing I have going on) and today I was doing just that. As a child my dad would often say "Should I bake you a cake?" and I knew what that meant. He was suggesting that I was having a pity party and well every good party needs a cake!! I have been feeling like we're stuck - not sure if we should walk forward, sideways or backward or if we're missing God's leading, His speaking, His direction. My sister said it well when she used the words "Holding Pattern". I would love to know what He has for us but in waiting I need to worship, live and cherish. I'm not doing any of those things. I'm getting frustrated, annoyed and frazzled instead (just looking at that makes me shake my head - why would I choose the last 3 instead of the first 3)... And so in seeking some perspective before I head to bed I read a blog that I love...http://kissesfromkatie.blogspot.ca. Enough said. Tonight I will go to bed with thankfulness in my heart and a quiet spirit to hear God speak and tomorrow I will wake with gratitude and worship.

Encouragement

I always knew that encouragement was a good thing... but I think I just said that because I knew it was true but hadn't really felt the strength of it. It started when I ran to drop off my son at gymnastics... some crazy gal accused me of being 'Positive' - in my negative head I was saying "Oh she obviously doesn't know me!" Then I had a wonderful message sent to me in regards to something I've struggled with the last few weeks telling me that she was growing in her faith thanks to my commitment, and so it went... wow. I didn't really know what to do with it. So I dropped it in God's lap and said "Thank You". And riding on that I changed my outlook on my week! It also made me very aware of how I need to constantly be encouraging those around me - and I needed to start at HOME! My kids are getting sarcasm at every turn and "Don't" "No" "Not Again" "Stop"...etc... I need to change that and encourage them in what they are doing well and encourage them to do better in an encouraging way not a nagging way! What a novel idea Jacquie!!! I know I'm so the mother of the year! (oops - sarcasm again) I love my kids so much and love their little personalities and love being with them... I want them to actually know that and feel it! Here's to starting Monday morning with a smile instead of "Okay let's go guys get your stuff... come on let's go.... move a little faster!!!" I'll check in again tomorrow :) Here's my encouragement for you this week... those tender moments that God gives you ... for however brief they may be - CHERISH them! They may only come once. And then run to a journal and write it down so that you won't ever forget!!! My dear sweet Samuel boy has been giving me a few of those lately and I love them and am trying to lock it into my brain!

And I get to spend time with my Gramma and she always delivers on the special memories... here's one of her with my sweet baby!

Ash Wednesday

"Lent offers us all a very special opportunity to grow in our relationship with God and to deepen our commitment to a way of life, rooted in our baptism. In our busy world, Lent provides us with an opportunity to reflect upon our patterns, to pray more deeply, experience sorrow for what we've done and failed to do, and to be generous to those in need." Love this because it was a great starting point for me this morning. Thankful for a Father who is so full of grace and mercy and also continues to pursue me. I am the type of person that loves structure and this whole Lent season is that for me. It develops a habit that helps me to see what is important - a cleanse for the spirit. Love it! I was so encouraged by my Father who showed me His love this morning! Allowing time for God to have my attention - complete attention for 40 days will encourage me to be more mindful of it all year... I don't even care if it becomes 'legalistic' -at least I'm doing it - I know myself enough to know that I can justify slacking very quickly... gotta be careful so that is why I want to be rigid about it because first of all God desires and deserves all of me and if I want to or not I'm giving it all - as much as I know how... So let me encourage you in your Lent season - feel, see, touch, experience God in all forms, Father, Son and Spirit! He wants all of you and in turn you get HIM in and through your life... pretty good trade I would say!

Where has the time gone?

wow I know it sounds cliche but "Where has the TIME gone?" Same place it's gone since the beginning of time I know but yikes! My firstborn is talking about science experiments and book fairs, My dear daughter is talking about having babies 'her way' and my little man is 3 months tomorrow! Time to catch up! That is what I'm planning for tomorrow :) Pictures of the little one while my other two are at school... lots of time to sit and ponder and appreciate where the time has gone and pray that most days I've been faithful to the Father who has given me a purpose for life and amazing children to watch grow up!

A New Year and Opportunities

I LOVE calendars! Love the look of a fresh day-timer... no marking - just dates and lines and space for ink to fill with excitement, anticipation of things to come, plans, expectations of things to happen. I love the promise of good things. God has put a heart of expectation in me and yes that has come with pain as well as things that I have waited for have not become reality. But to carry on after expectations have not happened the way I had planned but to see God in those times and allow Him to put a new song in my heart and fresh anticipation for the next 'thing' on the agenda. Yes I spend a lot of time thinking of what is to come but I'm trying to do the whole "live in the moment' and enjoying today... but it's hard. Right now I'm enjoying every moment with Elijah and not waiting for the stages to pass too quickly. Loving the holding, feeding, changing, holding, loving, wrapping, rocking, holding stage :-) LOVE it! There are so many other things I should be doing but I just don't want to - might mean I'm lazy or unorganized right now but that's okay. He'll be off and running in no time and there will be plenty of time between running after him to do the laundry, wash the floor, organize my closets... or maybe I'll just wait until they're all in college. This is random but had to share it anyway. A while ago I was really struggling with fear, fear of the unknown, fear of change, fear of the future, fear of death stealing life around me - it was ugly and I'm not sure if I'm brave enough to say that I have VICTORY in Jesus yet but I feel that it's something that is behind me now... but anyway - heard something of worth today in a message I was listening to online. God says FEAR NOT - he doesn't say to not FEEL fear - he says when you fear, don't run off. Remain in Him and He'll take care of what you fear. Not sure if it makes sense to you but it does to me and I love it! So true. We can be so afraid to feel emotions that are negative but I think if we feel them the important thing is to allow Him to walk with you through it. Call to Him and He will answer you (Jeremiah) There will be more photos soon! Sorry (goes with the whole being lazy section of my life) - I'll get to it soon.

Mother of Three!

Yes the last few weeks has proved to be more delightful than my negative mind would have let me dream of. I've been reminded that God is faithful regardless of my circumstances. And the other day I sat on my couch (yes it has seen my backside a lot these last 2 weeks!) and thought of how great the moments are when we can truly sit down, exhale and have that feeling that just for the moment all things are right with the world. Elijah has been an amazing joy to have join our family, yes the nights are a little more interrupted and this old gal isn't getting as much sleep as she should but we have loved every moment with him. He sleeps and watches the kids, waits for a diaper change, sleeps during his bath, sleeps in the car seat on our way to do errands.... life is good with this precious little unexpected bundle of pure sweetness. The kids are loving the time they have with him. At first having people coming by and holding him made them react a little - wanting to have some attention but everyone has been so good with making sure they include Sam and Olivia in the celebration of Elijah's coming. We pray that God will be Elijah's rock and fortress as he grows up. My prayer is that he will have a heart that loves people and will always strive for goodness in his own life and the life of others. Praying his life will impact all that he comes into contact with. Prayers that Sam and Olivia will walk with him in his growth and understanding of a Father's unconditional love and grace. As they support each other in their understanding of adoption and the love of the mother's that carried them. And that brings me into my latest rant... MY KIDS ARE LOVED!!!! It's been a while since we had a baby and I guess I've forgotten the comments that some people just need to make when they see our children. Some of it is very innocent and I'm okay with that... some are just plain ignorance... some is just crazy! I've had a few people look at Elijah and say "Why would someone give something like this away?" And my quick response is "Because she LOVES him!" that simple! The mothers that carried our babies love their kids so much and always will. In a day when pregnancies can be terminated quite simply at pretty much anytime these women took the harder road and allowed (after all they had gone through in 9 months and the pain of saying goodbye to their baby) another family to raise their child. And I've said before that these woman didn't necessarily have a choice. People that see our children and venture to imagine the life of their birth mom without a thought to life.... ya - I'll leave it at that. And please even if you think it don't ever say "So his mom just didn't want him?!" Please don't ever say that to my child! If you could see the pain in her eyes as she looked at her son the last time you would not dare say that!! If you could hear my 5 year old pray for her birth mom - that she wouldn't be sad because she missed her baby so much... My children have a long legacy of love already! They are loved by the God who created them, a mother who carried them and now us, an undeserving family of four that is excited to be five!!! Glad our life will never be the same again!!

Time for another Celebration...

Yes there is another little one joining our family of four - that would make five :-) But I don't have a sweet clue how to change the title of my blog... We are not sure what we're in for but we are comforted knowing we still have more arms than kids so even though we are outnumbered in the parent/child ratio we might still keep it all together. And now for some details... he's a boy - he's healthy - he's waiting. Waiting for the government to do their thing and off we go to get a little break from this snowy winter wonderland. When I'm feeling more inspired I'll sit down and blog some more.

Celebrating my First Born!

My last post was about celebrating our daughter - the beautiful gem that God has allowed us to hold, cherish and prepare for Kingdom work. Sounds super spiritual but in reality the day to day 'stuff' isn't always that glorious. But I am always reminded of what a treasure she is. And then on to my next celebration... our son who came to us before Christmas - a true gift (who was actually born on Thanksgiving Day in the wonderful city of New Orleans). We will always be thankful to that amazing woman that gave birth to him and has allowed us to raise this amazing little (well pretty stinkin' tall) boy! I love my kids with all my heart and I'm so excited for birthday parties which I can really go all out and celebrate who they are in our lives and in the sight of God - Precious!! So as I prepare for a week of partying I do so in hopes that there is a beautiful woman somewhere in the south that is getting wrapped in love, mercy and peace knowing her amazing gift is not only appreciated but loved without measure!!

Celebration day

Sorry I was going to add a video clip to my last post... apparently I'm not as tech savvy as I had hoped. We celebrated Olivia's fifth birthday this last week (only two weeks late) but I found it was a lot easier (because life is supposed to be easy *insert sarcasm*) to not do it on her actual birth date. Usually on the kids birthday's and the days leading up to them my heart is so heavy for the mother that walked the last few days with her baby within. I am burdened at the choice they had no choice but to make. All the emotions of that are with me and I can't even imagine because it's not something I have had to experience. After a few years I've done my best to continue through the guilt of having received something so undeserved from someone's eternal pain but it still comes to me occasionally. My kids might wish that I would have those feelings rush over me about the time I'm ready to discipline :-) So anyway sorry... got way off track there. We had a GREAT birthday party filled with my girls favourite things... her friends, FOOD, and flowers from her daddy. I'm so thankful that she has changed our lives to be so much more than we could have thought it might be. Saturday - the day after I was doing some serious cleaning (pizza sauce off the kitchen floor, cupboards, stovetop, cake, sprinkles and icing off the living room floor, etc) and said out loud, "I can't believe I live this way" It was meant to be a negative statement but as I heard myself say it I realized that it was so good. Yes 10 years ago I agreed to marry someone and I had my life figured out and it was quite neat, organized and relatively predictable... not so much anymore but it's so much more full of life and Christ then I could have ever dreamt! So yeah for celebrating my sweet little Sapphire - you are my gem!

Changing the culture...

I continue to wonder why there are still children waiting - is it the system, is it our mindsets of what we think 'the perfect family' should look like, is it finances, fear, us not wanting to 'affect' the kids that are in our homes already? I really struggle with this one.

Seriously?

Ok so my latest rant on what God's will is... I am so tired of people looking at circumstances and situations in life and then saying "Well that was God's plan..." NO IT WAS NOT!!!!! God does not will for hurt, pain, devastation, death, frustration.... His Will was for Adam and Eve to live in Eden. Well we know how that worked out don't we? I know God can redeem any situation in life but I do not believe that it was in his will that a young mother should die to leave her children when they are 7 and 5 to a grandma that has to work to make ends meet, I don't believe that God's will if for any mother to have to say goodbye to her child, or that any child should suffer at the hands of another in despicable ways, so many things that people just 'pray away' as God's will and we should just accept it and keep on living!! Sorry but it really drives me crazy. We are living in a fallen world and yes God is God and that's awesome but not everything that happens to us in our lives is because they were supposed to happen!! None of this was supposed to happen - we should be running around in Eden right now. Just sayin'

Still trying to figure it out

Yup, still not sure what "Fear God" looks like so this is the latest 'revelation' I received in Sunday School yesterday. I think we find it easier to revere or respect God because it makes us feel good. We feel like we've done 'good' when we have been respectful. To FEAR God would be very uncomfortable - it's not a good feeling to be terrified. We live life for us - face it - it's truth! God has created us for Himself and yet we live this life as if it is ours. It's a complete changing of the mind to switch that around. My circumstances... no it should be about Him, my stuff... no I shouldn't have it unless it can bring glory to Him, my kids... nope again - I need to raise them to know their God but how can I if I don't know? We have become so graceful and loving and comforting... we need to come to the Fear of God so that we can know Him more. Psalms says the fear of God is the beginning of all wisdom.. we don't receive wisdom until we get to have that experience with God where we see Him and truly Fear him! I want wisdom! I want to have that experience with God!! But do I want it for ME or for HIM? My thoughts for this week...

Fear God

We talked about this in our Sunday School class today... only briefly but I've been thinking about it a lot today. Wondering if I really even know what Fear God means. I have come to the place where my relationship with God is so casual. It's disappointing to me that I don't have Fear of God and yet I fear so many other things, like change, air travel, death, disappointment, deep water, etc. And yet God is the one that holds me and carries me through every one of those 'earthly' things I fear. To tremble before God in fear is something I need to come to. To understand just a very small part of how Holy he is would cause me to shake in my boots. Not just reverence but real fear. I'll have to be thinking about this a bit more. And if you want to watch a bit of what we're doing in Sunday School you can see it on YouTube - Francis Chan Basic Series.

Light as a Feather

Warning: This is a very random post. I needed something mindless to do because I'm almost at the place where I'll say I'm Freaking Out but I don't want to cross over to that so here goes... My kids and I LOVE Horton Hears a Who - Favorite movie and we could watch it forever. Sam often in the middle of playing something quietly says "Light as a feather; light as a feather" - the part where Horton is on the hanging bridge ... and I thought of it today when my head was getting full of what I needed to get done and facing the reality that it might not get done. I start holding my breath and am trying to become "light as a feather' as I walk across a bridge that is breaking underneath my feet... I really do miss my kids when they're not here and I'm thankful when my mind is filled with random memories. School is almost over for the first week and this mama needs her kids to love on for the weekend. Can't wait! Leave it all behind and enjoy the weekend and face the week when it gets here... why rush is. Can't change anything by worrying or thinking about it so hooray... let the weekend begin - I hear the school bus now. :-)

God in the face of my children

I don't think a day goes by when I don't experience God through my kids. Now don't get me wrong... not everyday is a beautiful, dreamy journey but I do see Him either in what they do, say or like today just in 'being'. One of my favourite things is watching Samuel play outside. He enters another world and just enjoys life. I love it!! He was on the swing today and pumping up as high as he could, as he got closer to the tree branches behind him his smile got bigger and his eyes had this beautiful sparkle. It was so sweet. Then he noticed me watching and this changed everything... he became more aware of it and the sparkle in his eyes was replaced with wanting to be noticed and accepted. I thought of how that happens in our lives... we enjoy life until we remember someone is watching us and then we do things for others so that they will approve and accept what we do. Or we fear doing something wrong or being judged. We become self aware and it takes away joy. But then I flipped this whole thought (yes I was doing dishes and it was a great time of thought provoking analysis) I thought of how we should be aware of only God watching... of pleasing Him, enjoying Him. Being in communion with our amazing Father would change our 'idle' time as well as the time when we're busy 'doing'. So this week I'm challenging myself with living like I KNOW that God is watching. I like that truth when I'm doing good 'stuff' but when I'm struggling I pretend He is more distant and only comes when invited... So anyway - not sure if that is encouraging or what but I would accept your accountability in it as well :-) And then on a really funny note... I'm not sure how many mothers have ever experienced this but it's a good one!!! My child went to church without undies on today!! Can you imagine??? I clearly remember giving her the underwear to change into (because the other pair said "Summer Fun" and you could read it through her dress). Well she must have slipped off her fun ones and forgotten to put on the new pair. She had to run out to the bathroom at church and you can imagine my horror when I helped her with her dress to get on the toilet... so we ran back home to get the underwear on and returned to church. CRAZY!! So ya, mothers, just another thing to check before church, nose, ears, teeth, hair, zippers, socks and underwear!